Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Bette Davis Was Right...

Getting old is not for sissies! Yesterday was my birthday. Now, I'm by no means old, but my memory certainly isn't what it used to be. We're moving this week and I've had to rely on a lot of notes to remind me of what needs to be done. The tenants moved out of our house the end of May so I made a quick trip up to the house to do the inspection with the property manager. I stayed for several days cleaning and painting but I wanted to get back as early as I could on Sunday to spend time with Mr. Virgo. As I was ready to leave, I remembered the code needed changing on the keyless entry...something that didn't make it on the list. Instead of taking the time to figure it out, I just took the batteries out of the lock, closed everything up (including the deadbolt), and headed back to Denver. I had made arrangements with a guy to come in while I was gone and clean the windows inside and out so they would be fresh when we move in this Friday. A few days later the guy called me and said the key he had picked up from the property manager wouldn't open the deadbolt so I told him not to worry about it and we'll get it done after the move. Well, yesterday I started thinking about it and realized if we couldn't get in on Friday, Mr. Virgo wouldn't be happy as the movers sit sipping coffee while a locksmith comes out. I called the property manager and asked them to please send someone out to the house with the keys they have to see if one of them would open the deadbolt, forgetting completely that they would have the same key the window washer had already tried! Duh! She called me back and said the key wouldn't work and I started panicking. She gave me the name and number of the local locksmith. I called and left him a message to call me right away. He finally called back, I told him the whole story, and we started making arrangements for rekeying the locks this week. Suddenly, I stopped mid-sentence. He waited politely for a few moments then asked if I was still there. "Yes", I said, and started laughing. "What's so funny?", he asked. I collected myself and said, "I just remembered...I have the garage door opener in my car!" We shared a good laugh and I thanked him for his time. So you see, just because I'm beautiful and young-looking on the outside, it doesn't mean everything's firing on all cylinders!

Your slightly demented friend,


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Why Is It Always West Virginia?

Photo by Norman Patrick Smith 2010

Taken outside a pawn shop in Parkersburg, WV. We are so proud!

I don't get it...there are other states that would be much more appropriate for this sign. Why is it always West Virginia that gets the rep for being home to a bunch of backwoods rednecks that marry their cousins? Why can't they pick on Kentucky? Four million people, five last names. I'm tired of being the butt of all those jokes! And how many times have you watched a show on TV and the antagonists are a white supremacist group from West Virginia?

But, much as we all hate to admit it, there is some truth to it all. West Virginia is a state where green jello salad with cottage cheese, pineapple and mini-marshmallows is one of the four basic food groups. I remember waiting with great anticipation for the Sunday dinner that composed of fried squirrel and squirrel gravy. And even though I've lived in Colorado for 35 years, I still don't wear shoes unless I have to! I take a bath from the rain barrel every time I visit my Grandma's farm and it's not a real trip "home" unless I've eaten a ton of pepperoni rolls.

So fine, go ahead and pick on us native Mountaineers. I dare ya! But just remember, those pickup trucks have a gun rack in 'em for a reason!

Be good to each other!


Sunday, August 22, 2010

True Confessions

Oh, Mr. Virgo...I have a terrible secret I've been keeping and I feel it's time to let you know. I've been unfaithful. I've been seeing not only one, but TWO other men. It started out so innocently. I found them both to be so sweet and full of surprises. They kept me entertained and always made me feel great after I was with them. I've tried to let them go before but I can just feel them wanting me as much as I want them and the next thing I know, I'm back for more! But the time has come to quit this insane merry-go-round. I just feel way too guilty and it's you I really love...much more than them.

So, I'm sorry to say this but....Ben & Jerry, it's over for good this time!

Be good to each other!


Sunday, August 8, 2010

Dangerous Side Effects

Don't you just love those commercials advertising the latest, greatest cure-all? I can always tell when a new drug has started advertising on TV because suddenly everyone coming into our clinic has that disease. That's what I want...a drug for some minor inconvenience that can cause ulcers, bleeding, liver damage, some rare but (un-named) serious side effects, brain cancer, heart failure, athlete's foot, hair loss, blindness, skin rash, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, headache, fatigue. Do not combine this drug with alcohol or certain other specific types of drugs. (Trust me...if you have all these problems, you're going to need a martini just to get through the day!) Do not attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery until you know how this drug will affect you. (Good...that'll get me out of running the combine for awhile.) Women who are pregnant or who may become pregnant or who are nursing or have ever nursed or who know someone that has ever been pregnant or nursed should not take this medication. Contact your health care provider (or local mortician) if you experience numbness, tingling in the hands and feet, fainting, swelling of the face, tongue, throat or eyes as this may indicate a life-threatening emergency. Oh yeah...give me some of that!

I do get a kick out of the male-enhancement drug warnings though. "If you experience an erection that lasts more than four hours, seek medical help right right away!" I don't know about you ladies, but if your man has that problem...isn't medical assistance the last thing he's getting? I'm just saying.

Be good to each other!


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Landing Lights

When Mr. Virgo was a teenager, his best friend was Tucker. He has so many funny stories about their exploits.

The guys went together and bought an old Willie's Jeep. They figured they could earn some extra money (or beer) by going down to Sand Key, the local lover's lane, to pull the cars out when they got stuck in the sand. While they were tinkering around on the Jeep, they decided they needed brighter lights to see deeper into the woods. They went out and got several car batteries and two airplane landing lights, hooked them up with a switch, and headed out to make some bucks. The road out to the key was a long, straight stretch of about five miles. They noticed a car quite a ways off coming in their direction that had the high beams on. Mr. Virgo flashed his lights but got no response. They waited till the car got up closer then reached back and flipped the switch on the landing lights. He said they turned the night into day and the car ran off the road into the ditch. Turns out, it was a state trooper! They made a quick dash off into the woods, drove back as far as they could, took the lights and batteries off the Jeep, and hid them under some brush. They took their time getting back out to the road and when they did, there were about five cop cars stopping everyone. When Mr. Virgo got to the roadblock, they asked him what kind of lights he had on his vehicle.

"Jeep lights." said Mr. Virgo. "Why?"

"Well, there was someone out here awhile ago that shined a searchlight or something and ran one of our guys off the road!" the officer said.

"No, officer...we've got regular headlights on this jeep. See?"

"Alright, fine...get out of here!" and the officer waved them on.

It took them two weeks to get up the courage to go back and get their lights and batteries!

Be good to each other!


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Art Linkletter Was Right...

Kids say the darnedest things.

When Daughter #1 was young, we were diligent parents and only let her watch PBS. One evening we were sitting on the couch watching a show about bears. My daughter laid her head against my shoulder and sighed. She said, "Mommy, when I die, I want to come back as a bear." I asked her why and she said, "So I can hyperventilate all winter!"

My daughters are sixteen years apart. By the time Daughter #2 came along, we were too tired to be so diligent. She and I were in the checkout line at the grocery store when she asked what I bought for dinner. "Liver." I told her. She proceeded to imitate Hanibal Leckter. "I ate his liver with fava beans and a bottle of Cianti. thhhhp, thhhhp, thhhhp, thhhhp!" Ok, ok...husband #2 let her watch it...not me!

My grandchildren got a new fish and a snail for their little aquarium the other day. They each got to name one. The oldest named the fish "Colors" because of the bright spots on its side. When asked what she wanted to name the snail, the three-year-old said, "George Washington!"

A friend of mine told me this story a long time ago. They were sitting around the table and the dad (a pediatrician) was reading the ingredients of a food label. He then declared, "If we keep eating these artificial ingredients, we're just going to become artificial." The little boy was quiet for a moment then said, "Daddy, we're not artificial...we're Jewish!"

If you want to know the truth about something, ask a child. Their honesty is refreshing and they do indeed say the darnedest things!

Be good to each other!


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Spiders! Really BIG Spiders!!!

Since I seem to be on a critter kick with the last couple of posts, I thought I'd tell you another funny story about husband #2. He was born and raised in Denver and had absolutely no experience with life in the country. Before we got married, I took him home to meet my Grandma. There's a room with several beds over the cellar house at her farm. The first night we were there, we took our bags up, turned on the light, and #2 started laughing. I asked him what was so funny. He said, "Alright, who's the joker that put the rubber spider up on the wall?" I looked where he was pointing and there was the biggest barn spider I have ever seen in my life! I kid you not, it's leg span was as big as a saucer! Not wanting to give him a coronary, I quietly told him it wasn't a joke. The spider was indeed real. He had a funny expression for a few seconds then the color slowly faded from his face and his mouth kept opening but no sound came out. I figured I'd better take matters into my own hands and I picked up one of his brand new running shoes. "Oh, my GOD! Not my shoe!!!" I rolled up a magazine, looked at the spider, then back at the magazine, and tossed it aside. I picked up the Sears & Roebuck catalog and that did the trick. Poor city boy got a little green around the gills. He always checked between the sheets after that!

Be good to each other!